Another day

Well, after only 4 hours of sleep, I go to work ect ect. But that's not why I'm writing today. Last night I was surfing myspace and I found D's webpage, and seen that he has been on recently so I look through and before I'm done I feel sick and I'm crying. *sigh* I miss him so much, but other than that he's drinking now, and apprently not in church...it so sucks and its hard to describe how or why I felt this way. I realized that I loved him...probably more than I should...*sight* so now that I've addmitted it...maybe I can get past it.?

Oops I did it again

Well...I've done it again...not sure how, but I did. Alright so back in June....I met a guy through the ren game I play. So my character falls in love with him. So...we get to talking and stuff on msn, and I decide I want to meet his REAL wife...since I'm going to be his GAME wife. So I meet Arwen* and we hit it off surprisingly. So August comes...and damn I break off the GAME marraige, he gets pissed end of that friend/aquanticship. But Arwen and I, it doesn't change anything for us, which I am very greatful, because we are great friends, and I cherise her friendship more than any other friendship...even Nubix's*. So, at the begining of September, she introduces me to one of her old friends, she's known him for abotu seven years now. Since he was in highschool. And WOW did we hit it off...I mean wow...it has surprised me how well we have hit it off...we have talked about every and anything it's truely amazing. I count him as a true friend as well...now that you know the history....

A few weeks ago not long after we met a baby was left on Nubix's doorstep...at 5am in the morning. He is trying to adopt the baby...but guess what? They DT's* Mom...Nubix calls her Lady...and so will I. Anyway Lady wants to have a BIG part in DT's life. Now Nubix is stressed and doesnt know what to do he has mixed emotions...so last night He asked me what I would do if I were him...and I told him that I was sorry that I couldn't answer that question. I was afraid that my answer would upset him...and it did...he said Fine do as you see fit...that means he is very upset....with ME....because he guessed that what I would do is tell Lady to get lost...I mean there are better ways to get out of the situation she was in then leave BABY ON A DOORSTEP I mean c'mon what mother would do that? I know i wouldn't. She could have gone to the police, a hospital, a safehouse....but no...she leaves DT on a doorstep of a strange house...the people inside could be baby sacrificers for all she knows...and she goes back to the abusive sperm donor....this makes NO SENSE really...and now she wants to be incorperated into DT's life...and Nubix's. I personally think she is after Money and maybe a marriage with Nubix...but eh who am I...just stupid young adult with no experiance...so yea...Nubix and Arwen are upset with me. *sigh* So I've decided to hide for awhile...hiding is better than finding out they no longer want to be my friend...so yea...I did it again....

.....

I was thinking about something today which if you know me, is a bad thing because I start thinking and then I get depressed and start crying which is what I am doing right now. Why the hell would anyone want me? when I dont even want myself. See it is very stupid and idiotic to think that someone will want me, because I am fat, and fat is not 'in' I'm a geek and that too is not 'in' and apprently I'm a cyber whore and needy. So why in the world would anyone want me? Want to know the answer?

THEY DON'T! plain and simple. See...now that I have solved that issue I am going to go cry until I fall asleep then pretend that everything is ok.

My trip to the Zoo

Well Yesterday my nephew had a feild trip to the Zoo, and my sister asked me to go with her. So i of course said yes. So I spent the night with her, and we got up at 6:30, WAY to early as I didnt get to sleep till around 3 am. Anyway we got up got the kids on the bus, then we got in the car got breakfast, and made it to the zoo at 9am. Where we spent the next EIGHT HOURS looking at everything that there was to look at. I took over 200 pictures, BUT the day wasnt a total waste, since the Hoover highschool senior class was there....meaning I watched the guys hehe.

anyway I'll see what I can do about getting the pics on here.

*sigh*

Everyone is asleep, the fan hums in the den a constant sound over the tv set on animal planet to ease my brothers dream. I try to listen and hear the rain over the sound of the dogs breathing, the fan and the tv, but all combined it is too loud and the rain to soft.

I feel like crying for many reasons, so many reasons that are so silly to some but so important to me. I stare at the only msn window I have open and wish that the person on the other end would talk and distract me, but they are probably busy.

Every time that a friend signs off I envy them for the lives they have, they have friends and places to go. My only friends are those I meet online, through no fault of my own I do not have many true friends. I am used and thrown away and even though it hurts I accept that this is a way of life.

My life exsists on the computer the life of my characters keep my mind alive. It is alot like reading, I am able to escape for a few hours while I write for them, like I am able to escape for hours while reading, I escape the dismal reality of my own life for the dazzling lives of fictional beings.

Some say this is not healthy but it is the only way I survive, the real friends that I have help me through what they can, but the only thing they can not give me is a real hug, the kind of hug that I sometimes crave.

I miss my life as it was before the move, but I know I will never have that life back. I hope that the friends I had in that life will not forget me, and though I have an unusual name I am easily forgotten, becuase I am an unassuming wall flower.

One day I will have a life that someone else will envy, and I will forget the way I cried for hours because I live in such a dull exsistance.  Maybe one day.

I'll be eightteen soon and I'm scared, more than I would have thought four years ago when I wished I could fast forward or sleep untill that day.

Unfixable changes

Unfixable changes are the things that change that you will never be to change back no matter how hard you try. I have such changes in my life, that are coming soon, and that have already happened. The ones in the past...are somtimes not worth rehashing, but maybe somthing can be done to change the unchangable?

In October my cousin, will have a child. Now a little history, Dewi and I are exactly six months and seven days apart in age, I the younger of the two. She and I are complete oppisites, she is dark and blue eyed, I'm light and have hazel eyes, but we are not only different in looks but in personalities.