*sigh*

Everyone is asleep, the fan hums in the den a constant sound over the tv set on animal planet to ease my brothers dream. I try to listen and hear the rain over the sound of the dogs breathing, the fan and the tv, but all combined it is too loud and the rain to soft.

I feel like crying for many reasons, so many reasons that are so silly to some but so important to me. I stare at the only msn window I have open and wish that the person on the other end would talk and distract me, but they are probably busy.

Every time that a friend signs off I envy them for the lives they have, they have friends and places to go. My only friends are those I meet online, through no fault of my own I do not have many true friends. I am used and thrown away and even though it hurts I accept that this is a way of life.

My life exsists on the computer the life of my characters keep my mind alive. It is alot like reading, I am able to escape for a few hours while I write for them, like I am able to escape for hours while reading, I escape the dismal reality of my own life for the dazzling lives of fictional beings.

Some say this is not healthy but it is the only way I survive, the real friends that I have help me through what they can, but the only thing they can not give me is a real hug, the kind of hug that I sometimes crave.

I miss my life as it was before the move, but I know I will never have that life back. I hope that the friends I had in that life will not forget me, and though I have an unusual name I am easily forgotten, becuase I am an unassuming wall flower.

One day I will have a life that someone else will envy, and I will forget the way I cried for hours because I live in such a dull exsistance.  Maybe one day.

I'll be eightteen soon and I'm scared, more than I would have thought four years ago when I wished I could fast forward or sleep untill that day.