*sigh*

Everyone is asleep, the fan hums in the den a constant sound over the tv set on animal planet to ease my brothers dream. I try to listen and hear the rain over the sound of the dogs breathing, the fan and the tv, but all combined it is too loud and the rain to soft.

I feel like crying for many reasons, so many reasons that are so silly to some but so important to me. I stare at the only msn window I have open and wish that the person on the other end would talk and distract me, but they are probably busy.

Every time that a friend signs off I envy them for the lives they have, they have friends and places to go. My only friends are those I meet online, through no fault of my own I do not have many true friends. I am used and thrown away and even though it hurts I accept that this is a way of life.

My life exsists on the computer the life of my characters keep my mind alive. It is alot like reading, I am able to escape for a few hours while I write for them, like I am able to escape for hours while reading, I escape the dismal reality of my own life for the dazzling lives of fictional beings.

Some say this is not healthy but it is the only way I survive, the real friends that I have help me through what they can, but the only thing they can not give me is a real hug, the kind of hug that I sometimes crave.

I miss my life as it was before the move, but I know I will never have that life back. I hope that the friends I had in that life will not forget me, and though I have an unusual name I am easily forgotten, becuase I am an unassuming wall flower.

One day I will have a life that someone else will envy, and I will forget the way I cried for hours because I live in such a dull exsistance.  Maybe one day.

I'll be eightteen soon and I'm scared, more than I would have thought four years ago when I wished I could fast forward or sleep untill that day.

Unfixable changes

Unfixable changes are the things that change that you will never be to change back no matter how hard you try. I have such changes in my life, that are coming soon, and that have already happened. The ones in the past...are somtimes not worth rehashing, but maybe somthing can be done to change the unchangable?

In October my cousin, will have a child. Now a little history, Dewi and I are exactly six months and seven days apart in age, I the younger of the two. She and I are complete oppisites, she is dark and blue eyed, I'm light and have hazel eyes, but we are not only different in looks but in personalities.

A Simple Hug Silence is her worst enemy, when everything is silent, she has time to think, and thinking is dangerous for one whose life has been turned upside down. As she sits on the couch and listens to everyone sleep, he mind wonders in unseen directions, and then the tears start as they always do, on silent nights. Tears of pain, and sorrow, guilt and regret hate and love. She wonders if she cant even love herself how is anyone else to love her? She regrets having that last bite; she regrets that thanksgiving when she was nine. Her stomach aches from the guilt of being a pig, of being selfish and eating the last cookie. She feels the pain in her heart every time someone looks at her in disgust, and disdain. People tell her they understand, but how can they? None that has talked to her knows what it is like to be overweight, none know that hours she has cried because she is ignored. None knows how many times she has called her self a coward for not being able to pull the trigger. She gets up after a night of crying and no one notices her swollen eyes, or her cries for help as she asks morbid questions. No on takes notice of the way she is always silent and never laughs anymore. And none care that her life is filled with loneliness and self hate. They tell her that she needs to be more outgoing, but she fears rejection again, they tell her to exercise, but they never listen to the pain she feels. Its as if they don’t care. Then when one does notice and she says nothing is wrong, they don’t care enough to ask again, to make sure she isn’t lie-ing. Being the new girl is hard enough without having to deal with rejection from people she thought were friends. As she sits in the back row and cries, they never see because she is quick to leave. When the pain is too much to bare she takes a knife and studies, drawing it lightly across her wrists in hopes that maybe it would “accidentally “ cut her. When she is unable to it, she gets up and runs outside calling herself a coward for not being able to end her own pain. As she spends another night in tears she waits for sleep to come. She gets up once again with swollen eyes; she goes about her normal routine, when some one notices her swollen eyes and the pain within them. They don’t offer words of advice, or say they know how she is feeling, they don’t try and smooth everything over and make light of her pain. They offer her a simple hug. As they turn to leave for the first time in months there is a smile in her lips and happiness in her eyes. She goes home and flushes the Lori tabs down the toilet, the ones she was going to use to kill herself with. They didn’t notice her downward spiral, but they notice her upward climb, and as new people enter her life, the days of swollen eyes fall into the past, where they belong, and days of laughter and smiles are in the future all due to a simple hug, from some one who cared.

Invisibility

Is is it possible to be invisible in a crowd of people?
Is it possible to have tears streaming down your face and be invisible?
Is it possible that when you need comfort more than anything your still invisible?
Yes, its posssible. I know because this is how I live, I live an invisible life. Twice a week I go and sit, only to be ignored or forgotten by those I wish to know. I watch them laugh, I watch them talk, and I watch them comfort each other when comfort is needed. This has been the story of my life. I used to tell myself that I didnt mind being invisble, that I liked being left alone, I was lying to myself. I kept telling myself that so it wouldnt hurt as much. Then one day I decided to accept the fact that being invisible is not what I truly want. But you know after being invisible for so long I dont know how to become visible. When I try my hardest to become visible I am still invisible, its like they are blind to me, they cant see there for they dont talk to me or think about me. I want to be visible, Know I only have to figure out how to do that.

Hello!

Hello and Welcome to my blog...the things I post here are how I feel and think...

Places I Want To See And Visit

And yes I know that some of these places are the same but its my list

France
Isle of Man
Austriala
Italy
Venice
Europe
Romania
Rome
Greece
All 50 States of the US
England
Paris
Switzerland
China
Hong Kong
Japan
Korea
Russia


And I will add more as I think of them

Freinds

So, here I am again, since my last blog I have moved from Txas to Alabama, I have dealt with realizing that I loved some one yet they didnt feel the same for me. My granmother has had two surgerys. And I have been supported through it all by my friends. No not the kind of friends that you are thinking about, I have never met my friends in real life I have met them through pictures and words keyboards and computers. And even tho I have never met them I still feel as if they are a big part of my life. I hagte when I'm not able to get on and talk with them, and I worry about them when I dont see them for days. Some may not be able to understand this but I do, I had at one time looked skeptical about falling in love online, but I know that it is possible, to loce and care about someone and never meet them. One day I hope to meet some of my freinds. Most live in other Countrys places that I've never heard of before, places I want to go to one day. When one is sick I think and pray for them before I'm able to sleep, if there is trouble in the place that they live I worry untill I hear from them. They are my freinds and when RL freinds fail me my Freinds online are always there.